A muffin top? Yummy. No, such names for women's body parts are unsavoury

What would you recommend to cover up my muffin top?
Andrea Taureau, by email

Well, I'm not really sure, Andrea. You could just put a little tea towel over it, if you're saving it for later, I guess. Personally, I tend to bag mine up in order to stop it going stale. Nothing worse than a stale blueberry muffin – oh wait, you have a look of confusion on your face. What's that? You weren't talking about literal muffins? Rather you're worrying about the band of skin that occasionally flaps over your waistband? I see, how frustrating on multiple levels. Seriously, Andrea, can't we talk about actual muffins instead?

No, apparently you want to talk about your fat rolls or, as I call them, "skin". Well, before we get into the issue of cover-ups let's first discuss the nomenclature. "Muffin tops", "bingo wings", "turkey wattle", "love handles", "cankles": truly, there is no bottom to this pit of ingenuity when it comes to coinages for apparently faulty and almost invariably female body parts. (Men have "moobs" but, guys, I'll see your moobs and raise you the dozens and dozens of names lobbed at women's anatomy. No, it's not right for either gender but seriously, dudes, welcome to our world.)

It's interesting how these names often sound subtly sweet and cuddly, with words such as "love" and "muffin" chucked in, as if to sweeten the pointed criticism. There's something rather Lucille Bluth about this tactic. A character from Arrested Development, she would lovingly whisper to her daughter: "One word, Lindsay: sleeves" before taking her leave. It's all very, "Oh, look at your adorable muffin top! Of course, it's hideous and I'm pointing it out to humiliate you but look how cute you are – just like a muffin! Repulsive, of course, but kinda cute with it. But disgusting."

Now, of course I'm not advocating morbid obesity, but I do feel that women's body parts get scrutinised quite enough without these ridiculous names being bandied about. Terms such as "muffin top" and so on suggest not only that these body parts are barely part of a human being, but that they are there purely to be scrutinised and mocked by onlookers. "Muffin top! Funny name – hilarious body part! Hahahahaha!"

And let's talk about this muffin top in particular. Now, again, I'm not saying we should all be unhealthily overweight but I think there's a chicken and egg problem, and it reminds me of a certain campaign that has recently launched. This campaign, "Get Britain Fertile" claims to be aimed at both men and women in encouraging them to have children younger. But seeing as it features an apparently pregnant Kate Garraway, styled to look like a Methusalah-esque crone (and if women can get pregnant at 120 as this image suggests, why should we as a nation be trying to get pregnant younger?), it certainly feels aimed very much at women.

Ah yes, all those selfish 25-year-old women, too busy knocking back snakebite shots at Pacha to have babies, heartlessly refusing to get off the pill despite the desperate pleas of their 25-year-old boyfriends who are all gagging to become fathers ASAP. Such a familiar story, right? All those twentysomething women across Britain with their massive houses, their steady jobs that allow for maternity leave and flexible hours for childcare and all those millions of cheap nurseries on their doorstep without any waiting lists at all. Seriously, it's just a mystery why more women aren't having babies younger, isn't it, Kate Garraway?

So just as the issue about women's fertility too often just focuses purely on the women and not the men, so the issue about muffin tops focuses purely on the woman's body and not on what the muffin top is flopping over. Because muffin tops don't just involve the body – they also involve the clothing. Waistbands that cut into the widest part of your hips are a common culprit; ditto with trousers or knickers that have shrunk in the wash. These don't cause "muffin top" – these are merely garments that don't fit properly. Self-loathing should not be your reaction here; rather it should be hopping on the bus and going into town to buy some proper clothes.

Yes, women's bodies change over time and a lot of us put on weight as we get older and, yes, one should keep a small eye on that for the sake of one's health but, seriously, life is way too short to obsess over infinitesimal body parts. Did anyone ever lie on their deathbed and say, "I wish I'd spent more time thinking about my muffin top"? No. But did anyone ever croak out in the last moment, "I wish I'd spent less time hating myself"? To quote the sages Milli Vanilli, girl, you know it's true.