September 18th, 2017
Was it really just two days ago that I was in Riga, trying to convince myself (successfully, it turned out) that a film festival screening of a Finnish film in Latvia attended by the director/lead and producer/writer should count as a premiere? Apparently it does.
But today's another day, in another country, with a much MUCH bigger premiere.... and featuring, quite remarkably, at least three people I'd never photographed before, and ALL Oscar Winners.
Here's how it went down:
It was a premiere so big it took up two sides of Leicester Square, encompassed two cinemas, and was so complex that security staff, who often struggle with maintaining even numerical order, elected to not follow colour-coding, pen-sequencing or even layout consistency, as late as an hour before starting. It's a tough job, but somebody has to fail to do it.
"Anyone here willing to debase themselves for a hideous orange t-shirt with a jacket design printed on it? Wow - really? I had you all pegged as fairly dignified, myself...." Good news - your friend and mine, Hakeem Mr Impact and DJ Sparkly Orb were on hand at this premiere.
"Just because I'm small doesn't mean you're allowed to give me a smaller bag of free popcorn than everyone that's full-sized....". If my memory of the first Kingsman movie is correct, there is a Pug in that movie so this represents a certain continuity and not merely a frightening trend in animal attire.
Dave Gibbons (left) is a co-creator of Kingsman as well as a producer on this film. And the guy hanging his point-and-shoot over the high exclusion fencing in the back has a pretty good spot if he can maintain the angle for another 90 or so minutes.
"You want to tell me that I'm really pretty? Well... if you must" - apparently Hannah Alstrom managed to parlay a role verging on cameo in the first film into a much bigger role in the sequel.
"... and now to punish you for your impudence in daring to call me pretty.."
"If you also want weird selfies with me, you're going to have to wait!" - longer than this premiere in this case, as Hannah Alstrom declined to return to our pen.
"Matthew Vaughn of course directed and co-wrote the first film and its sequel. I'm just checking to see if the cane he's using has any imdb credits to its name..."
"Forsooth, I mustn't tarry, for there dost occureth a crime most heinous over yonder, and I believe the victim is a very pretty brunette..." - Edward Holcroft is in this movie, and may yet be of assistance if you're young, pretty and brunette enough.
"Okay, so I'm not young. But you can't deny I'm not pretty or a brunette...."
"I coulds't have swairn she was over yonder here and needeth my help.... but I can see you're all mostly just autograph dealers"
Other than a blurry misshapen blob at the premiere of "Australia" almost a decade ago (my fault, not his) I have never previously photographed Sir Elton John. Sadly, as he declined to be interviewed on stage in preference to being driven aroundin a miniature electric open-top-humvee-taxi, I still haven't photographed the right side of the face of Elton John
This, sadly, is also the left side of the face of Sir Elton John - I just happened to flip the image for variety / boredom / write-drunk-edit-sober reasons at a time well past my typical bedtime.
Julianne Moore and I share a moment.Or maybe it's a staring contest I'm about to lose because I critically misunderstood the nature of our current non-relationship. I think other than a few furtive shots at various Baftas, I've only photographed her semi-well at the final Hunger Games: Mockingjay premiere in Berlin
"You really should learn some gang-signs, Alex. It's a way to connect with some of today's youth and I highly recommend it". I, meanwhile, have a reportoire of approximately three emojis I'm comfortable using in text form, so I can't really communicate reliably with anyone aged under forty.
Julianne Moore won an Oscar for best actress for Still Alice in 2015. She also starred in 'The Big Lebowski' with the still-to-be-photographed-by-me Jeff Bridges who is currently being interviewed elsewhere while people offer pleas, bargains and possibly goats in exchange for an autograph from him.
Mark Strong, meanwhile, forms the third in a triumvirate of stars dedicated to reassuring the young (ish) yet follically challenged among us that we need not fear as to whether we're cool, suave or desirable enough (Jason Statham and Vin Diesel are the other two).
Mark Strong regards me, and I regard Mark Strong. In a perfect world, we'd be lauded for having naturally receding (or receded) hair. Not like those posers who think they can achieve fake baldness by merely shaving their head and pretending to be bald.
Meanwhile the fervent screams for the arrived-earlier Colin Firth are loud and insistent enough that they might even give lead actor Taron Egerton (elsewhere in the giant crowd) pause.
Colin Firth is like the fourth person here so far today to have won an Oscar - in his case Best Actor for 'The kings Speech' back in 2010.
It's The Dude! (I'm feigning excitement - I was never a fan of The Big Lebowski, but I think Jeff Bridges was very good in such movies as Crazy Heart (which he won an Oscar for), True Grit and even Tron Legacy and the first Iron Man film).
"You like my beard? I built it : in a cave! Out of SCRAPS!!"
"Taron Egerton? Haven't seen him. His hair is pretty lustrous, though... if you're into that kind of thing..."
"My feeling on comic book characters is that unless you physically see a head removed from a body, they're probably not dead. My character in Iron Man merely fell out of the sky from low orbit and had a building fall on him.... so there's every chance I could be back"
"Colin Firth is pretty hot, and this selfie stick is pretty useful, huh?" - Sophie Cookson (at right) is coincidentally also in this film.
"My girlfriend is very beautiful, as you'll see..."
"Your phone is turned off, dude. All I see is a black screen and my refl.... oh. I see what you did there"
"I wish to acknowledge all the screaming women on the left who I wasn't able to spend more time with....."
"And I wish to acknowledge all the screaming women on the right who I'm yet to spend time with... yet" - Pedro Pascal is at least four-fifths as suave as his suit (and that suit is pretty damn suave) - he's possibly still best known for being Oberyn Martell in 7 episodes of Game of Thrones.
"But I've never even BEEN to Estonia, Babe...." another in the seemingly neverending procession of stars heads to the stage - Channing Tatum, who I last photographed less than a month ago at the premiere of Logan Lucky.
Uncomfortable silence ensues. Enough women fill the silence with screams for Channing Tatum to make things additionally uncomfortable.
Random attendee : Andy Serkis, best known for being the motion capture (and voice) actor for Gollum in the Lord of the Rings movies, Caesar in the Planet of the Apes movies, and King Kong in the Peter Jackson remake. He does occasionally play human roles... but only occasionally.
Taron Egerton *finally* passes by the main stage, but decides against being interviewed on it.
"Well, if it's a WORLD PREMIERE like you say it is...."
Oh, to not be even younger and even better looking.....
Taron Egerton was in the first Kingsman movie (horrible premiere, tell you about it later..), and was also very good in the Eddie the Eagle movie (and its premiere)
... and finally, ANOTHER oscar winner I've never photographed before : Halle Berry! She was great in... uh..... ummm... no, not Swordfish. No, not really those X-Men movies... and certainly not Catwoman or Die Another Day...... ummmm.... wait, what did she win the Oscar for? "Monster's Ball". haven't seen it...
"Yes, I collected the Razzie Award in person. The free cocktails at the ceremony were worth going. And by free cocktails I mean lemonade."
"Anyway.... it's almost time to clear Leicester Square. Just pick a random member of the cast and tell me what they were like to work with"
"Elton John?"
"Sure, why not..."
Hoy crap, this world premiere is well attended! Not that I'm complaining... but I would like (and 'like' is a strong word) to get to work on time tomorrow and finish this premeire journal tonight)
"They're kind of making you do another circuit - you know, like they do with planes at airports when they want them to land..." Poppy Delevingne is sister to model/actress (or actress/model) Cara Delevingne, but has also been both actress and model, most recently in "King Arthur : Legend of the Sword".
"This is not meant to be symbolic: sometimes a microphone is just something you speak into" Meanwhile, on stage : screenwriter Jane Goldman.
Oceans rise, cities crumble, and this premiere is finally looking like it might be over.
Well... it wasn't quite over yet. Whereas the large pen across from us had not one but TWO ways for people to exit it, due to yet another oversight of the kind that's inevitable when you have a mere 24 hours to set up a premiere according to a map that had been published on the internet the day before, OUR pen had zero exits and we had to stand around while security decided to look at the big screens and watch highlights of the premiere they'd just BEEN at rather than let us leave.
It's the glamour. That's why I do it, you know! That, and because the Archive of Movie premieres does need to be fed from time to time.
Until next time!
ps. if you ever want to know when I post one of these (possibly less tired and/or jet-lagged, but just as well-intentioned) feel free to follow me on facebook at premieresdotco, or on twitter at berndt2_photo. Instagram bores me, but I'm occasinally there as well, utterly failing to make an impact among a deluge of food-and-cat-and-narcissism deluge nobody can (or should want to) cut through.