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272 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1941
"These pricks who tell you that in five or fifty years they will be ready to give up the ghost...how in Christ's name can a man say something like that? There's too much to see, too much to do, and as long as you're alive it should be impossible to get tired of possessing that tiny spark of consciousness....
As long as you're alive! But we live in a land of ghosts. The world is half dead before it's born. People straddle their lives with one foot in the grave and the other still sticking in the womb...they never grow up and they're old from the first second they utter the first squawk of protest on finding out they're on their own......"
"Of course she's deserving everything that's happening to her tonight...every time the hollow voice of conscience gives a burp I remember the teasing this bitch gave me; it helps a great deal to keep me from feeling sorry for her."The act he's describing is when he, Sid, and Ernest decide to gang rape this woman who was guilty of being a "tease". And it's not the only time in the book where these three punish a woman for some imagined crime with multiple rapes and degrading invasions. And while these sections were particularly difficult to read through, I understand that it is an extremely advanced criticism of the kind of man who gets off on this type of shit. These are the passages where Alf is most petulant, most immature. In reference to Miss Cavendish, just a few pages earlier on pg 51, you get a sense of this childish entitlement best when Alf says, "Even if she has to be held while I do it, I CAN DO ANY FUCKING THING I WANT!" It is that surly, entitled, rich asshole that Miller is writing to at that moment. I can almost hear him say, "This is the kind of shit that gets you hard, isn't it, you selfish dead prick! This is what you need to read to even get an erection anymore, that's how dead you are inside!"
"Yes, I'll screw you...ass, mouth and cunt...until you have been marked forever by the passage of my prick...I'll put my dong in your hair, in your ears, let you jerk me off and come with the end of my cock held tightly against your nostrils...I'll fill your body with fucking, and your mind with fucking and your soul with fucking...Your hair will be forever sparse where my cock has rubbed it thin. I'll give you a fucking too great for you to hold within yourself, a screwing too big for your life and your experience...it will enter you, fill you to overflowing, spill into your children, and your children's great-grandchildren...ten generations from today your descendants will start from their sleep with the shock of a dream which will live forever in the cells and fibers of the line that springs from your ripe loins."
August 14, 1932
Anais:
Don't expect me to be sane anymore. Don't let's be sensible. It was a marriage at Louveciennes—you can't dispute it. I came away with pieces of you sticking to me; I am walking about, swimming, in an ocean of blood, your Andalusian blood, distilled and poisonous. Everything I do and say and think relates back to the marriage. I saw you as the mistress of your home, a Moor with a heavy face, a negress with a white body, eyes all over your skin, woman, woman, woman. I can't see how I can go on living away from you—these intermissions are death. How did it seem to you when Hugo came back? Was I still there? I can't picture you moving about with him as you did with me. Legs closed. Frailty. Sweet, treacherous acquiescence. Bird docility. You became a woman with me. I was almost terrified by it. You are not just thirty years old—you are a thousand years old.
Here I am back and still smouldering with passion, like wine smoking. Not a passion any longer for flesh, but a complete hunger for you, a devouring hunger. I read the paper about suicides and murders and I understand it all thoroughly. I feel murderous, suicidal. I feel somehow that it is a disgrace to do nothing, to just bide one's time, to take it philosophically, to be sensible. Where has gone the time when men fought, killed, died for a glove, a glance, etc? (A victrola is playing that terrible aria from Madama Butterfly—"Some day he'll come!")
I still hear you singing in the kitchen—a sort of inharmonic, monotonous Cuban wail. I know you're happy in the kitchen and the meal you're cooking is the best meal we ever ate together. I know you would scald yourself and not complain. I feel the greatest peace and joy sitting in the dining room listening to you rustling about, your dress like the goddess Indra studded with a thousand eyes.
Anais, I only thought I loved you before; it was nothing like this certainty that's in me now. Was all this so wonderful only because it was brief and stolen? Were we acting for each other, to each other? Was I less I, or more I, and you less or more you? Is it madness to believe that this could go on? When and where would the drab moments begin? I study you so much to discover the possible flaws, the weak points, the danger zones. I don't find them—not any. That means I am in love, blind, blind. To be blind forever! (Now they're singing "Heaven and Ocean" from La Gioconda.)
I picture you playing the records over and over—Hugo's records. "Parlez moi d amour." The double life, double taste, double joy and misery. How you must be furrowed and ploughed by it. I know all that, but I can't do anything to prevent it. I wish indeed it were me who had to endure it. I know now your eyes are wide open. Certain things you will never believe anymore, certain gestures you will never repeat, certain sorrows, misgivings, you will never again experience. A kind of white criminal fervor in your tenderness and cruelty. Neither remorse nor vengeance, neither sorrow nor guilt. A living it out, with nothing to save you from the abysm but a high hope, a faith, a joy that you tasted, that you can repeat when you will.
All morning I was at my notes, ferreting through my life records, wondering where to begin, how to make a start, seeing not just another book before me but a life of books. But I don't begin. The walls are completely bare—I had taken everything down before going to meet you. It is as though I had made ready to leave for good. The spots on the walls stand out—where our heads rested. While it thunders and lightnings I lie on the bed and go through wild dreams. We're in Seville and then in Fez and then in Capri and then in Havana. We're journeying constantly, but there is always a machine and books, and your body is always close to me and the look in your eyes never changes. People are saying we will be miserable, we will regret, but we are happy, we are laughing always, we are singing. We are talking Spanish and French and Arabic and Turkish. We are admitted everywhere and they strew our path with flowers.
I say this is a wild dream—but it is this dream I want to realize. Life and literature combined, love the dynamo, you with your chameleon's soul giving me a thousand loves, being anchored always in no matter what storm, home wherever we are. In the mornings, continuing where we left off. Resurrection after resurrection. You asserting yourself, getting the rich varied life you desire; and the more you assert yourself the more you want me, need me. Your voice getting hoarser, deeper, your eyes blacker, your blood thicker, your body fuller. A voluptuous servility and tyrannical necessity. More cruel now than before—consciously, wilfully cruel. The insatiable delight of experience.
HVM