If I could tell parents of boys just one thing, this would be it: You are not alone.
Your boy is not the only getting in trouble at school for being wiggly.
Your boy isn’t the one one who likes to draw gory battle scenes.
Your son isn’t the only one who’d rather dig in the dirt than perform a carefully controlled experiment.
What you need to know is that the things your son is going through, and the things you’re going through as a parent of a boy, are common. Are your son’s specific issues unique? Perhaps. But the larger issues you’re struggling with on a daily basis are common to boys in this country.
Your son is not the only one who’s having a hard time with reading.
Your son is not the only one getting into major trouble for minor mishaps at school.
What you also need to know: We will make more progress together than alone.
I can (and have) talked to my sons’ school about policies banning football and ball play at recess. I can (and have) talked to my sons’ school about supposed “inappropriate” drawings my sons have created. But when I work alone, my impact is small. Isolated. I’m just one parent, talking to one school.
When we work together — when a lot of us talk to our schools and our legislators, when we share our stories and experiences publicly and create a national conversation — we can accomplish real change that will benefit all boys. Together, we can advocate for recess, for boy-friendly instruction in our schools and for the abolition of zero-tolerance policies. Together, we can normalize, instead of pathologize, boy behavior.
Together, we can make a difference for our sons. Will you join me?
5 Responses
Your invitation to join is well timed, after the horrors in Santa Barbara this weekend. I think a conversation about raising healthy sons is even more critical. If small steps early in a boy’s life like you name will help decriminalize how a boy feels about his own nature, then maybe, just maybe, we will see fewer incidents like we saw in California.
I’m glad your re-post these, since sometimes I miss them the first time around. My boys have had “issues” with attention, being fidgety and over-social. I guess, I’m glad. It shows that they are alive and normal. What gets me are the times my older son has been “written up” for accidentally “hitting” (read incidentally bumping) other students. Hitting is the only box they can check on the reports, since there’s no box for “I accidentally bumped into someone.” Even the other kids have always acknowledged that it was an accident. He always feels terrible for “hitting.” God forbid that children should touch each other.
As parents we are our sons first advocates. How we go about fighting for them will determine the men they grow up to be. My husband and I make it a point to be active participants in our sons learning community. We communicate with their teachers frequently, go to school board meetings, & are members of the PTA. In most cases it is not possible to change rules to be “boy friendly” because not all boys fit into the same rough and tumble alpha male category my sons do. However, I have found that I have been able to teach my sons to follow the rules at school by giving them more freedom to be boys at home. I have also had success coaching their teachers on their individual learning styles. Being involved is the best thing you can do to help them be successful and keep them from being labeled as “bad” (because when that happens a lot of boys give up and just start living up to that label) #Lifewithboys
Excellent advice, Tiffany!
There is also a huge difference in how boys receiving special education are treated versus others that do these very same things. The mindset of the schools needs to be changed. There is a new non-profit called change Montgomery that is addressing these types of things and the woman running the education piece is looking for parents to present these types of issues and provide solutions. Contact me and I will give you her info.